On becoming parents, we instinctively rediscover the child in us and want to teach our kids all the good things from our own childhood. Traditional songs, dances and nursery rhymes, playing favourite games, or discovering nature – whatever we pass on from our culture and family roots will find its way to a new generation. But what happens when the parents are of different nationalities and, as expats, live far away from their origins? By Helena Cordasev

First-time parents Michelle and Jack are encountering some difficulties with family traditions. Their son Max was born in Brussels eight months ago. Their families live abroad and have only seen him once. They would like to be more involved, but this can be quite challenging from a distance.

This year, the couple are planning to invite Michelle's parents for Christmas. "I am not a big fan of Christmas," Jack admits. “For one thing, we are both vegetarian, but Michelle’s family have their own traditions and always eats turkey on Christmas day. I wanted to order a vegetarian ‘turkey’ but Michelle fears this could cause a minor family drama!"

It can be a real dilemma when you cannot please everyone. But does keeping family traditions at any price really make sense? It is all about compromise. Parents have to make their own choices while acting as a role model for their own children. After all, family gatherings and traditional celebrations should be fun for everyone – and memorable if the traditions are to survive.

A generation apart

Family ties and support are very important, especially for those living away from home. In most families, grandparents have a big role to play, especially when it comes to keeping memories and traditions alive. They are a family’s strongest link with past, present and future generations, and the stories they tell and experiences they relate can do much to familiarise your own children with their roots.

Remember that it is hard for all generations to be apart – many grandparents feel a real sense of loss and sadness, too, if they have to watch their grandchildren growing up ‘at a distance’.

Fortunately, we are much luckier than those families who, back in the day, had to rely on an airmail letter enclosing a Kodak snap, or a long-distance (and expensive) phone call to keep them up to date with family news. Now we have the internet, Skype, social networking sites and, regardless of age and IT skills, most of us are able to send an e-mail or upload some digital pictures for the ‘family album’, not to mention switching to the webcam for a regular close encounter.

So near yet so far

According to cross-cultural psychology experts, children who grow up in extended families tend to develop a better sense of belonging and are more social in their behaviour towards siblings and peers.

Of course, with low-cost travel and on-line booking, it is much easier for many of us to arrange regular trips to see family and friends. But if your budget will not stretch to anything more than the annual trip home then it is important to tell your children as much as possible about your background, how you grew up, your family and friends and the things that were important to you.

Once again, the internet can bring all these things so much closer, and you may even get your children sufficiently intrigued to start researching their family tree, or checking out the area you grew up in on Google maps!

Speaking in tongues

Naturally, language is a vital part of family traditions alongside various other means of communications such as singing, facial expressions and body language. To raise children in a happy and healthy multilingual and multicultural environment, parents have to find a consensus between their own roots and their chosen lifestyle.

Having chosen the languages you hope your children will hear and speak, inside and outside of the home, remember that they must also be able to communicate with family and friends during visits. Language and culture are very closely linked, especially when it comes to maintaining family ties and traditions.

When in Rome …

As valuable as it may be for parents to keep strong links with ‘home’, it is also important to make your children aware of other cultures and traditions. The expat lifestyle is ideal in this respect since it provides many opportunities for families to integrate easily into a vibrant multicultural society.

Encourage your children to learn about the traditions and celebrations typical of their new surroundings. By introducing them to fairs and festivals, religious occasions, Christmas and birthday celebrations you will make them aware of the importance of rituals in different countries and help them to put down their own roots in their new surroundings.

Closer to home

Christina from Sweden and Daniel from Australia met in Israel and now live in Belgium. Both their sons, Sebastian (5) and Lucas (2), were born in Brussels. They are being raised in three languages – Swedish, English and Dutch – and both parents are very consistent in speaking their own mother tongue with the boys. Sebastian already manages his languages so well that he sometimes spontaneously translates a conversation from Swedish to English, to help his dad out!

Daniel keeps in touch with his family abroad via Skype. "The kids are already getting the hang of sitting still, so the Skype video doesn't jump round so much! It is a good alternative as visits are rare and flights are costly.” When they do go to Australia, the boys feel it is really special. Sebastian loves riding in grandpa's truck and seeing life in the bush. Daniel is telling his sons a lot about his home country, and they particularly enjoy stories about scary animals, like crocodiles or insects.

According to Daniel, his sons' culture is more Swedish than Australian at the moment, because they are spending more time in Sweden. When they are a little older, Daniel would like them to play an Australian sport like cricket or Aussie Rules, and to show them where he spent his childhood.

Coming to a screen near you

Karina from Germany and Anthony from Scotland met in Montpellier. They married and knew immediately that they wanted to have kids. Sophie, their first born, arrived six, months ago and truly changed their lives. Living in France and Belgium as young expats was a big adventure and made them feel very independent. But with the arrival of Sophie they suddenly became aware of the distance from their families and began to miss home more than before. They have regular contact with their families via internet. "Even if we only see each other via the video, it is a chance for my parents to watch their granddaughter grow up," says Karina.

The couple remain positive that their little "Brussels sprout" will build a close relationship with both families. They are organising as many visits as possible to give Sophie a feeling of security, growing up knowing that she has a family who loves her very much and will always be there for her.

Embracing a different world

Mai from China and Brecht from Flanders met seven years ago in Brussels. Their nine-month-old son, Xinhao, with his mum’s eyes and his dad’s blond hair, was born in Belgium. The Chinese culture has a strong influence on Xinhao's upbringing, particularly the language. "I would like Xinhao to be able to write and read in Chinese," explains Mai, which is one of the reasons the couple is planning to move to Shanghai for a couple of years. Like every parent, Mai loves to sing lullabies from her own childhood to Xinhao, and together they listen to a broad range of music from which traditional Chinese songs are Xinhao's favourite.

Brecht is a fan of the ancient Chinese culture, too, and he even speaks some Chinese. But the one thing he is slightly sceptical about are traditional Chinese remedies which Mai favours when Xinhao is sick – Brecht prefers Western medicine.

It is not always easy to find a compromise for couples who come from very different backgrounds, but in the end they all agree that the best way is to look for the middle way, where possible. As Brecht concludes, "Every couple will have their issues but the influence of two cultures makes family life even more interesting".